he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
