at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
