If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
