Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Randomize
