He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
we should paint friendship bongs
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
