someone owes me an orgasm
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
