brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
