if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
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