Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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