There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
