maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
