I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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