u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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