Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
