yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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