if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
