Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
