no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Randomize
