"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
We were destined to go to rehab together
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
