My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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