i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
