Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
