can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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