AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
