In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
