dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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