3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
