i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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