When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
