They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
