On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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