I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My hand turned me down
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
