Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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