I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
