Where is the hickey?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
