1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
