I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
