i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
