I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
