guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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