Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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