Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
