I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Randomize
