Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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