Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
