but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I deserve this hangover.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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