my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
All I want is dick and wine.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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