i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
