Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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