I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my shit smells like andre
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
