i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
