Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
