I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
