i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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