My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
