This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
