paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
