and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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