I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
