I want to have your abortion
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
